So right now I’m 63.9999999 years old. When I wake up tomorrow I will be 64. Will you still need me, will you still feed me. I remember when my ex boyfriend’s mother turned sixty four. I bought her that Beatles cassette tape for her car. We’re having lunch on Thursday. I’ll ask her if she remembers. I got my haircut and tried a few selfies. Then this morning there was a pretty cool sunrise. I don’t feel sixty three point nine nine nine nine or even sixty four. I just feel like me. Me only older and wiser…and smarter. All the things they say, well, they’re true. If I knew then what I know now and the like.
I have regrets. Not supposed to. But I do. I miss my mother and I wish she had been able to be around long enough for me to grow older and wiser. When she left us I was a very foolish completely lost child. It took eight more years after she died for me to begin the journey back to wholeness, to my authentic self. It was a time of complete flight from reality. I was “hell bent” as they say. The infamous “they”.
So it has been twenty five years on a journey to this place. Well, eight “out there” and twenty five walking back. Tonight. In my mother’s apartment feeling her here and not here. I wonder what she would have been like as she aged. Would she have softened? Would she have learned to acknowledge me? I didn’t ever know until she was gone and people told me that she was so proud of me and my dancing. We were estranged emotionally. I was really mad at her. For years and years. These things were never resolved. I am left to resolve my side of the street.
Ahhhh, well, this is all sounding pretty morose. Yikes! Sorry. It was just a moment and the moment will pass.
This is a quiet birthday I think. No special dinners with friends. I may bake a cake however. I was thinking of that today. A pineapple upside down cake. My favorite.
It wasn’t my plan to have such a solitary time these past years. It just happened. There hasn’t been a lover for more than ten years. Although there were some nice ones back there…and of course some not so nice ones. The two most recent ones died. After me. I wasn’t around. So, I suppose that’s good.
It’s a new day now and I’m feeling much more upbeat…it’s my actual birthday and there have been lots of well wishes. Gotta love Facebook!
Funny things I’m thinking this morning. It’s so lovely to live alone. I leave my socks wherever they come off my feet. If I use a paper towel only once & it’s still pretty clean I drop it on the floor by the sink. This way I have a ready wipe up for spills. I tend to use my foot as a mop. I also wash plastic bags and use them over and over….unless they had raw meat in them or some other bacteria producers. I have an insane number of jars and I use a plate on a bowl for left overs. These are things that this sixty four year old learned from her grandmother and I now share with you. Wisdom from an old person. Haha!
2 thoughts on “…..on my birthday eve.”
I also find this time in my life to be very introspective. I love your writing