Dark clouds this morning. We’re having waves and waves of storms. I slept really well with the thunder rolling through in the wee hours.
I read an article yesterday that has me revisiting experiences from long ago. What I write next may be disturbing, so take a deep breath. Absolutely do not go on reading today if you’re feeling vulnerable and tender. Come back later. Or not at all.
I have tried to paste a link to the article here, below. Again, it is of a sensitive nature. It talks about sexual abuse.
I’m not sure of how to even begin. This is what happens. There is a flood of memories and feelings that overwhelm.
The article chronicles the sexual abuse of students at Interlochen in Michigan.
I am struck by the courage of the survivor chronicled. He is a dancer. All he wanted to do was dance. He was groomed and abused by a so called well respected teacher. He has had a lifetime of living with unresolved trauma that derailed his hopes and dreams. He did go on to dance professionally but has had a troubled life.
Sound familiar? I wasn’t groomed by a teacher. I was abused by a boyfriend of my mother. I was terrified to tell because I thought it was my fault. I thought if I told they would fight more. Then when I was fifteen I was abducted by a group of teenaged boys and raped. They were caught and in court my torn jeans were held up as evidence of my asking for trouble.
In the article the dancer describes how the administration and the local police shamed him. He was sixteen!! I was fifteen!!
For over fifty years I have been winding my way back to that moment in time before my wild eyed innocence was stolen from me. I self medicated and became sexually promiscuous. It has taken years of therapy, twelve steps, yoga and meditation, and continuous focused practice to finally rangle a life where I am comfortable in my own self. In my own body.
I’m sure that I could go on and share more but, I need a break now. I’m taking a deep breath. I’m looking out on the beautiful expanse of green in the park. I’m watching a man walk his dog. I am saying to myself, you are safe, you are here now in this place at this time.
https://apple.news/AZq_PPqg2Ts6AmWCJKhxqNA
The Breathe Network, linked below, is an international network of healing providers that offer sliding scale services to survivors of sexual abuse and violence. They are amazing humans doing wonderful healing work. Please engage and support in whatever ways you are able.
https://www.thebreathenetwork.org/
Spinster Life 