It’s sunny. There are huge cross crossing contrails on a blue background sky. The coffee is strong. I slept through the night.
There’s a blog post formulating in the back of my mind.
Something about how I’ve been feeling lately. Something about turning seventy in a few weeks. Something about the holidays. Something about friendships and family. Something about expectations and disappointments. Something about what I think should be and what is. Something about solitude vs. loneliness. Something about new friends and experiences. Something about how my life is a gift not to be squandered on resentment. Something about, ‘what if’? What if I let go absolutely. What if I let go absolutely into the mystery of the unknown next moment? The unbearable lightness of being and all that. That seems to be the crux of my quite human fear. The ‘what if’ factor.
Stick with what is. Practice being grateful for this morning in this place.
Then there are thoughts on shadow. When shadow comes forward can I take note? Can I wait a second and notice the moment? What is happening? Invite the discomfort. Pause and see what comes up.
All of this is much easier said than done. I want to just get up and eat a cookie. Or distract myself in some way. I have to be willing to do the work.
So then there was something that I noticed about what I expected which was just that those expectations of mine were old ideas.
Right here right now, in this moment, there is a hissing radiator and an empty cup of coffee. There is bread for toast and butter and jam. There are eggs if I want to cook one. There are errands to run and cookies to bake. I am incredibly grateful to be alive and sober. I’m grateful for this morning in this place.
☮️🙏🏻🦋
Spinster Life 