Talking…

…to myself. I’m not sure when exactly it started. Nor am I sure when I started noticing that I was talking out loud to myself. Things like, “don’t forget to put the butter away” or “is that a bug on the floor? Put your glasses on Jami”.

Then there’s the on and on rehashing of conversations or comments. Little piques that haunt me. Talking inside my head. I can spin around.

One day I saw a neighbor in the grocery store. I had just come from swimming and was all flush with happy adrenaline. I was sharing some news, new hearing aids, selling success on eBay, just general news. She says to me, “I think those hearing aids are going to be great for you! You seem so much less angry! You know, when people can’t hear they get angry and agitated.” What the actual fuck?! That conversation haunts me. I was so taken aback. Yes, I am passionate about certain topics. I do get worked up and tend to express myself. But angry? Do I seem angry? I do get frustrated when people talk over me or interrupt or finish my sentences. I can be a slow talker. I try to hold my ground and finish my thoughts. Like VP Harris said, “I’m speaking”. Some people tend to inspire activation of stress hormones.

Or yesterday at one of my jobs, I seem to have annoyed my employer. Lots of little nips at me. Then I thought, it’s not personal. You haven’t done anything wrong. This person doesn’t feel well and it has nothing to do with me.

Stay centered. Practice Tonglen. Breath in the negative and breath out loving kindness. Haha!! Easier said than done.

Many years ago, I heard a woman in a meeting say, “I know I’m not for everyone”. I remember thinking, that’s right, Jami Peurala is not for everyone. Stop trying to please everyone.

I can no longer suffer fools gladly. Something you need to do if you’re going to survive in the face to customer world of restaurants and retail grocery shops. Catering. All of that.

The snarky comments under your breath just below the surface won’t do. It’s exhausting.

Anyway, sitting here this morning and reflecting on the snarky comments, even the well meaning inappropriate comments, that burn long after they’re uttered, I keep just coming back to my breath. Coming back to the moment. Right here, right now, nothing is wrong. There goes a plane overhead. The sound of a crow. There’s a soft cool breeze. A man walking his dog.

The sun is breaking through. I will get my shoes on and go out there and see what I see.

What are you noticing?