Poking the bear.

Or DON’T POKE THE BEAR!! Reading the disturbing details of Matthew Perry’s last weeks and days has me spinning.

There has been a lot of discussion in recent years, in the press, in 12 step groups and elsewhere, about the use of powerful psychotropic drugs to treat, well everything. From depression and anxiety to addiction and beyond. I’m not here to dispute the value or any results.

What I can share as a person in long term recovery (thirty one years) from alcohol and drug addiction is, I’m not going to poke the bear.

There are times when the disappointments in life pile up. Sure. This happens to everyone. For me, it can feel as if I have been hit by a rogue wave. Wham!! Moving through these times can feel excruciating.

What I’ve learned over time is that it’s just weather. All the little practices pile up too. So when the inevitable storm comes I’m rooted in a knowingness that holds me grounded in the here and now. That’s not to say that I like it or that it’s not challenging as all get out. It feels awful!!

Just this morning with its clear blue sky and soft cool breeze I was hit. Something in my chemistry shifted. I started to sink into despair. “I’m invisible. I’m so alone. No one notices me.” I, I, I, me, me, me. If I don’t make a conscious effort to shake it off it just drags on and on. “What have I done in this life that’s worth anything at all? Who cares? I’m just existing here.”

This is where practice and vigilance are so necessary. The founders of AA knew that we would be trudging the road. I am so lucky to have found their words. I am not alone in wanting everything to be, “okay right now”. That fact of the matter is that after the initial blush of recovery comes a long road just learning that everything is already “okay”.

The idea that some drug therapy can teach me to live life on life’s terms is pretty far fetched. IMO. I’m not saying that there isn’t any value in antidepressants. I needed help in my eighth year of sobriety. Through the help of a psychotherapist I learned that I needed extra help. For a time I got it from a pill. Until I needed higher dosages every few months. I just couldn’t maintain an even keel. So, what I’m saying here is that, I get it. It’s a complicated business. At that time ketamine was not in the offering.

I’m sharing what happened to me. I’m trying not to judge. I don’t know what would have happened to me in early sobriety if I had been offered ketamine or psilocybin as a treatment alternative to boring old AA meetings. What I do know is that substances that rapidly take me away from my discomfort are very enticing. My reaction to them is a strong desire for MORE!! And more until I am lost to the need to not be uncomfortable. At all. Ever. Learning that discomfort, emotional or physical is a normal occurrence and that I can wait it out or move through the dark days is a gift.

Here are some of my daily practices. Make a gratitude list. Stream of consciousness journaling. 12 step meetings. Put music on and dance around. Yoga. House chores, ie, make the bed, plan a meal, wash dishes and generally straighten up. Take care of plants. Call a friend. See where I might help a neighbor. Take a walk. Notice. EFT tapping. TRE. Notice what birds are about. Take a drive. Read something inspirational.

I don’t think I “get to” poke the bear. I am thoroughly convinced that it’s a dangerous fantasy for me to daydream a cure for my anxiety, depression, PTSD or other disturbances in my being through a chemical fix. I know the consequences for someone like me.

This has been a bit of a rant. I will probably revisit some of these thoughts at a later date. For now, be well. Chat soon. ☮️🦋🙏🏻