Heat wave days.

It sort of feels like pandemic days. I have pretty much been in the house since Saturday. A client canceled and I was, “Little Miss No Plans”. That might be my Barbie Doll name? Anyway, then on Sunday it got hot and now it’s Tuesday and hotter still. The “air” is on. It’s comfortable in here.

Late last night I was awake and caught up in those, “reels” on Facebook. I ran across one where a guy? No clue who? He seemed to be maybe sixty or so, he was talking about, not following your passions. As in, don’t follow your passions. His thesis was, and I’m paraphrasing but the gist is, that we should find the thing(s) that we’re really good at, that are financially sustaining for life and then become passionate about that. He then went on the quote statistics, 0.1% become professional athletes etc., he listed the various careers he was “passionate” about attaining before he figured it out.

This is an idea that also occurred to me some years ago. I was so passionate about dancing. I just wanted to dance and that was that. I had huge screaming arguments with my mother who was always trying to convince me that I should stay in school and find a career. She would cut out articles about various vocations she thought might sway me. Be a dance therapist, or similar. I refused any suggestions. Especially if they came from her.

I followed my passion with unwavering passion to only very limited success. I have never had any financial stability as the result of following my passions. I have always been in a monumental tug of war with myself about following my passion. I would just walk away from dancing and take a job that would sustain me financially while at the same time my soul was leaking out of me drip by drop. Until I would finally reach a crescendo of overwhelming soul sickness and walk away.

It has been a lifelong struggle. I am grateful to finally be at some peace. Mostly.

I think back on those arguments with my mother. On my stubborn refusal to listen to anything, even reasonable suggestions. My insistence that I was following my passion and why couldn’t she support that? She only came to see me dance once. I have ideas in my head about why. I have told the story that she didn’t approve etc. Truthfully, I have no idea.

I have traveled far. Now in my very late sixties I have come to terms with the fact that my mother was right. The chances of me being able to sustain myself by dancing were slim. That coupled with my troubled mind and addictions made it impossible. Left to my own devices I almost killed any chance of surviving life at all.

I have traveled far. All the way back to a glimmer of a light that I followed to sobriety and emotional maturity through years of burning desire to be a whole person not troubled and trapped in conflict with myself.

I have traveled far. The work of becoming an authentic vessel for creative expression is arduous and lot of the time.

I could have regrets and sometimes I do go down a rabbit hole of, “what ifs” and “if onlys”. You gotta shake that off pretty quickly or it will try and drag you into a deep mire.

I’m going on a bit here, but I do want to say that after all of this time I feel so extremely grateful for the journey. I now “get to” share with students and clients. I am not really making any financial gain. I’m learning that I can hold both sides of the coin. I can follow the thread of guiding others towards wholeness without losing myself to unrealistic passions. I AM a good teacher. Seeing and hearing from students about how they are succeeding in some small way towards whatever goal we have set fills me up with joy. I do get paid.

I have struggled with that aspect. Getting paid. A whole other long conversation for another day.

Right here, right now, it’s time to get up and get the day going. Put on some music and dance around. I’m listening to Joe Bonamassa live quite a bit these days. That song, “Drive” is a good one. Make the bed, make some food, make some calls, check out the upcoming calendar. See what else needs doing. Take care of the plants.

Here’s the list, make one every day,

I am so very grateful to be, alive and sober. Right here, right now, in THIS place, for phone calls from dear friends far away in Rome and in California, for the park and the beach, for a few clients and a few students, for plenty of food and a cup of strong coffee. For air conditioning.

☮️☮️☮️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🦋☮️🦋🦋☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️