Random

Random what? Thoughts? Ideas? Maybe it’s passing thoughts? For example, I’m driving, the traffic is atrocious. All manner of law breaking is happening. Yesterday at nine o’clock in the morning I saw a car run three red lights in a row. Then there’s the speeding and the bullying to try and force me to drive faster. Not to mention how too fast everyone else is already going.

So what am I thinking, what random nonsense pops into my mind while I’m just trying to stay alive? Bumper sticker ideas. Like, “What?!” or the proverbial, “Poor Planning on YOUR Part does not Make for an Emergency on MY part”. Or the theme song from Flash Dance somehow comes streaming out from the rear of my car, “Maniac Maniac!

By the time I arrive home I’m a noodle of stress and exhaustion. No wonder there’s an explosion of AFib! We’re all necessarily hyper vigilant.

Nine o’clock on Saturday morning now. I opened the window wide. I slept hard. Against my own rules I opened Facebook first thing. There were shots of the aurora from last night and friends showing trips and meals and a new blog and performance announcements. This weird anxiety started to well up. I should share that announcement, I should read that blog. I shoulda woulda coulda!! I thought, UGH! I’m not promoting anything from anyone any more! For years, (literally years!) I have liked and shared and reviewed and commented on thousands of posts of my “friends”. There is very little evidence that any of them even look at my blog or sign up for my classes or share or whatever the fuck. Okay, like maybe I have a few diehard fans. I do go on. It’s school yard envy. Everyone else is more popular than me. UGH! That’s ridiculous! I know. This is what is making the kids crazy.

My point is, I started noticing some time ago that my enthusiasm for the doings of others is barely reciprocated. I don’t have the energy to constantly promote myself. Then we’re compelled to check and stay “engaged”. I started to feel like I “should” mold myself into more of what might be appealing to the internet crowd. This is how creativity dies. Mine anyway.

I took a long break from social media. In that time I wrote more, made jewelry, actually got more private students, walked and gathered. Organizing got done. Dusting and rearranging. Corn bread got baked. New recipes got tried. I relaxed into the stream of my ACTUAL life.

Facebook instagram and the like are crack. The minute I stray back I get hooked. Anxiety returns and I can’t sleep thinking, what should I do to get your attention?

It occurs to me that this is a big part of what is corroding our society. There’s waaay too much me me me. Too much virtual and less and less actual.

Today I choose ACTUAL.