Something is stirring.

Spring is really pushing out now. Starting to show off. We had an eclipse. Here’s a picture.

I didn’t look AT the sun. I watched to see what I might notice. The quality of the light. Sounds. The air was still and all went quiet. I had been out at the beach as it was starting. It was a perfect sort of day.

It’s just past what would have been my mother’s 96th birthday. In a few days it will be my sober anniversary, 31 years. Lots of reflection this time around.

What are you noticing? A deep sense of “wellness”.

What are you practicing? The pause. Described as restraint of pen and to tongue in our literature. As a kind of breath in yoga. Inhale, pause, exhale, pause. A 12 step meeting is a kind of pause. A walk. Doodling works. Gathering beach glass and small drift wood bits.

Pause and notice. Notice and pause. In the noticing is where I find the gold. What’s coming up?

It’s a rainy morning. Quiet. The birds were busy earlier. Now just the sound of a crow far off. There’s heat hissing up.

Warning Will Robinson! There may be some discussion of sexual assault here and there throughout this stream of, “thoughts”.

…here it comes.

I watched a show about a man accused of rape. An assault that may or may not have happened many years in the past. At first I thought it might be a bad idea for me to get curious. The actors were really so good, Robbie Coltrane and Julie Walters. Others too. I watched, the whole thing.

So, what was interesting to me was what I noticed coming up in me. An old boyfriend who exploited me sexually. To what degree I understand now. I was so lost and vulnerable when my mother was dying. There was a lot of danger around at that time. I invited the danger in. In walked danger. He was quite the scoundrel! Sex and drugs and rock and roll. That was almost forty years ago now! In reflecting on what I remember I realize how bad he really was. Very very bad. When he just walked away I felt even worse. Now of course, I know that I dodged a bigger bullet than had hit me when he was around. Now I understand gaslighting. How exploited and manipulated I was. I was under his spell. Hook line and sinker. For a time a degree of intoxication beyond reach. Danger indeed Will Robinson!!

There’s a kind of enchantment that can happen. A kind of trance. Entranced. IN A TRANCE. These lovers that “love bomb” us. It’s happened over and over. Three of them in a row. All three dead and buried. Literally. Here I am, lucky to be alive and grateful to be on the other side.

Now I’m even more grateful for my solitary existence. It took a while to feel so deeply grateful to have lived through a truly dark time.

On another note. Another day. A different time altogether.

The spring is here! In full flower. I walk through the tall grass. It’s grown wild. Dandelion and two or three different small purple flowers. Bees buzzing and birds busy with their nests. I am safe.